Forgiveness and Boundaries

Text: Genesis 42; Psalm 34:14–19

We must forgive, and in some ways we must forget, but this does not mean we do not establish boundaries to protect ourselves and others. Forgiveness does not have to mean putting ourselves in danger. Boundaries do not have to equate to bitterness.

Introduction

There is a lot of bad relationship advice all around us. Sometimes the language of the world, or the presuppositions of worldly psychology, can harm more than help. Unfortunately, Christians have not always applied God’s wisdom to relationships, particularly in the realm of abusive relationships.

We can find ourselves on extremes of forgiving, but opening ourselves up to harm, or not forgiving and opening ourselves up to bitterness. Both hurt us and those around us.

What does it mean for the Christian to forgive but also to be cautious with those who have hurt them?

That tension is not theoretical. It is deeply practical. And it is addressed in Scripture.

In Genesis 42, Joseph faces the brothers who betrayed him. He does not lash out in revenge. He likely has already forgiven his brothers. Yet he does not immediately restore full trust. He tests them to discover their character. He sets boundaries to protect himself. He observes their repentance.

Psalm 34:14–19 reminds us to depart from evil and do good, to seek peace and pursue it. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivereth him out of them all. Peace is to be pursued, but evil is also to be departed from.

Forgiveness and boundaries belong together.

1. The Possibility of Pain

There is no guarantee that we will face severe difficulties in relationships. But many people have or will face some degree of hurt that will impact their lives.

This discussion concerns life-changing hurt, abuse, habitual harm, and genuine trauma, not minor relationship frustrations, strict parenting, or unmet unrealistic expectations.

Trauma, abuse, hurt, pain, betrayal, harm, violence, neglect, and toxic patterns exist on a spectrum. Some relationship issues are deeply traumatic and may feel impossible to correct. Others are relatively minor and heal easily. In between is every degree of hurt and damage imaginable. Whatever the degree of hurt of offense, the equivalent degree of forgiveness is required.

Serious, life-altering relationship issues happen for many reasons:

Some hurts are due to sin. The solution is holiness.
Some are due to negligence. The solution is awareness and compassion.
Some are due to malice. The solution is love.
Some are part of cycles of hurt and abuse, requiring us to choose the correct example to follow.
Others stem from manipulation and control, people attempting to play god in our lives. But there is only one God, and no one can take His place.

The possibility of pain is real. Scripture does not deny it. “Many are the afflictions of the righteous.”

But affliction does not cancel or negate obedience.

2. The Problem of Forgiveness

Scripture clearly commands forgiveness.

Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:13 remind us that we forgive because we have been forgiven. Forgiveness is not based on whether someone deserves it, but on the mercy we have received ourselves.

Jesus said in Luke 17:4 that if someone sins and returns saying, “I repent,” we are to forgive. On the difficulty of forgiveness John Wesley noted,

“If he sin against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day return, saying, I repent – That is, if he give sufficient proof that he does really repent, after having sinned ever so often, receive him just as if he had never sinned against thee. But this forgiveness is due only to real penitents. In a lower sense we are to forgive all, penitent or impenitent; (so as to bear them the sincerest good will, and to do them all the good we can;) and that not seven times only, but seventy times seven.”

Forgiveness is difficult. But we cannot ignore it or deny it.

The hurt may feel too deep. We may struggle more to forgive those who hurt someone we love than those who hurt us personally. And questions arise when someone never asks for forgiveness. While theological debates continue on that subject, our responsibility remains: we must forgive, be willing to forgive, and maintain a spirit of forgiveness.

Refusing to forgive carries consequences.

Mark 11:25 warns that unforgiveness harms our relationship with God. Proverbs 17:22 reminds us that emotional burdens can affect even our physical well-being. Bitterness takes root (Ephesians 4:31–32; Hebrews 12:15). We may seek revenge. We may grow callous toward both God and others.

Jesus commands us to pray for those who hurt us (Matthew 5:44).

After the Civil War, Robert E. Lee visited a Kentucky lady who took him to the remains of a grand old tree in front of her house.
There she bitterly cried that its limbs and trunk had been destroyed by Federal artillery fire. She looked to Lee for a word condemning the North or at least sympathizing with her loss.
After a brief silence, Lee said,

“Cut it down, my dear Madam, and forget it. It is better to forgive the injustices of the past than to allow them to remain, let bitterness take root and poison the rest of our life.”

But forgiveness is not the same as foolishness.

3. The Protection of Boundaries

Romans 12:18 instructs us to live peaceably with all men, “if it be possible.” We strive for reconciliation and pursue peace, but sometimes peace is not possible without protection.

Establishing boundaries must never be used as revenge or manipulation. Yet even after forgiveness, boundaries are sometimes necessary.

When Are Boundaries Necessary?

When there is a corrupting influence (1 Corinthians 15:33; Proverbs 22:24–25; Psalm 1:1; 2 Timothy 3:1–5)
When there is unrepentant sin and refusal of reproof (Matthew 18:15–17; Proverbs 9:8)
When the relationship may cause you to stumble and sin (Galatians 6:1)

What Types of Boundaries Can Be Set?

No contact
Limited contact
Monitored contact

Joseph in Genesis 42 demonstrates this balance. Though he had forgiven his brothers, he did not immediately restore trust. He tested them. Forgiveness does not require instant trust.

Scripture commands honor and submission in appropriate relationships (Ephesians 6:1–3; Ephesians 5), but our first duty is to God. We cannot be compelled to sin or remain without protection in harmful situations.

Proverbs 22:3 teaches that a prudent man foreseeth the evil and hideth himself. Wisdom recognizes danger and takes appropriate action.

Psalm 34:18 assures us that the Lord is near to the brokenhearted. Psalm 82:3–4 calls us to defend the afflicted and needy. It is biblical to seek help and protection.

Boundaries do not equal bitterness. Forgiveness does not require self-destruction.

Conclusion

The Possibility of Pain — Be prepared for when life hurts, but do not live in constant fear of hurt.
The Problem of Forgiveness — Seek God’s help to forgive those who have hurt you.
The Protection of Boundaries — Pursue peace. Forgive fully. Love sincerely. Pray earnestly. Walk wisely even when forgiveness has been given.

Forgiveness and boundaries are not enemies. They are companions in a fallen world, and both are necessary for those who desire to follow Christ.

Martin Wickens