Martin Wickens

Book Review: Just Friends by Mike Ray and Cary Schmidt
Just Friends by Mike Ray and Cary Schmidt is a thoughtful, Scripture-saturated treatment of dating that I can almost wholeheartedly recommend. Though the book is becoming increasingly difficult to find, its core message remains helpful and needed. This is especially true considering how confused our culture is about about love, sexuality, and emotional maturity.

This book was written in 2009 and so does not deal with some tragic parts of our culture that even since then have taken root. The transgender and homosexual agenda has impacted our culture incredibly even since 2009. Saying nothing of gender identity seems odd, but, it just goes to show how much the world has changed in such a short time.

One strength of Just Friends lies in its biblical framework for relationships. The authors begin not with romance, but with friendship. Early chapters carefully address the physical, mental, and emotional changes of adolescence, emphasizing that these years, marked by underdeveloped judgment and heightened emotion, are not ideal for long-term relational commitments.

Anyway, the authors’ call for young people to rely on God, family, and spiritual authorities during this formative season is both pastoral and practical.

Another strength of the book is its repeated contrast between the world’s approach to relationships and God’s model. Rather than urging readers to “find the right person,” Ray and Schmidt emphasize becoming the right person. This shift places spiritual growth, patience, purity, and emotional stability at the center of the discussion. It has an excellent discussion of the benefits, the Biblical benefits, of becoming the right person in contrast to the dangers of simply trying to find the right person.

The discussion of sowing and reaping, especially as it relates to preparing for a “wonderful someday,” also helpful and practical.

The chapters addressing emotional dependency and purity are especially strong. The authors offer concrete warnings, clear definitions, and compassionate counsel, particularly for those who have already failed. Their emphasis on accountability, controlled emotions, and guarding both heart and body reflects a sincere desire to protect young people rather than merely restrict them.

The “no touch” sections will likely be the most controversial, but I believe are explained well, perhaps better than I’ve seen in many other books. The book explains well the benefits of restraint, long-term thinking, and respect for others. Whether or not a reader agrees with every application, the arguments deserve careful consideration rather than dismissal.

My main criticism of the book is really about a few pages in chapter eighteen. The instructions aimed at men and women preparing for marriage seem very dated and narrow. However, the vast majority of the book is well-wroth reading.

The closing chapters of the book have some very practical and helpful lists that parents and young people alike would benefit from considering.

Not everything might be applicable, but I don’t think any of it should be lightly set aside without due consideration.

Just Friends is a valuable resource for parents, pastors, and young people seeking a biblically grounded approach to relationships.

Unfortunately, it is increasingly difficult to get hold of. Setting up an alert with thrift books is recommended. Even if you don’t need it now, buying a copy while you can and saving it for later would be wise.